A picture paints a thousand words but what words exactly a picture can imply is always relevant to the observer.
Fifteen Years Now
5 weeks ago
In the middle of that dark overpass, he took my hand and held it as we walked beside each other. My heart skipped a beat. What was he doing? He was the one who ended our relationship. He was the one who gave up on us. What was this gesture for, then?
Then, as if holding my hand wasn’t enough, he stole a kiss. I was reminded of how good it felt to have someone’s soft lips against yours. I was reminded of how much warmth that little contact could bring.
I stared at him blankly. He just smiled a sheepish, mischievous smile.
***
Two Saturdays ago, he broke it up with me. Sabi niya masyado daw akong perpekto at mahirap daw akong sabayan. Up to now I still don’t know what he meant. I only know that, that time, I felt fear. It was the kind of fear you feel when you’re all alone in the dark, the kind that slowly crept up to a climax the longer you felt the solitude.
The feeling itself was fearful. I was afraid to lose him.
Pero sa bandang huli, ang nasabi ko na lang ay, “if that’s what you want then… ok.”
Sa isip ko inuulit-ulit ko ang mga sinabi niya. Ginalugad ko ang alaala at pilit tinatandaan ang bawat detalye ng aming pagsasama at hinahanap ang sagot sa tanong na “saan ako nagkamali?” until I finally gave up trying to figure it out.
I texted some friends. I needed company. I needed to either distract myself to get myself to quit thinking about what just happened or someone I could vent out to. Salamat na lang sa aking butihing kaibigan at dakilang babaylan at inampon niya ako nung araw na yun (which is a story which deserves another blog post).
Eventually, I got my bearings back, and was able to revert to my normal activities for the week. It wasn’t that difficult, but as my good friend likes to say, “Setting things aside does not make them go away.”
I knew the bitterness was still there.
The next Saturday after the breakup, I got home after work at around 2 in the morning, as was the usual, logged on to the wonderful world of PG4M, Google+, Facebook and all the other sites I visit to entertain myself, and found myself being interactive again online. Nakapag set ako ng isang munting coffee meet up with my friend since I was craving for a caramel macchiato and my old comfort food, a blueberry cheesecake. Since my friend was still at work, we decided to meet up at 7AM for the coffee. Meanwhile I busied myself with things online.
Then as a sudden thought, I checked my phone. I found one missed call. It was from him.
Isang missed call lang. Seeing that it was from him, though, had the power to remind me of how much bitterness I still felt. I was just thankful that my friend had already agreed to meet me up for coffee. At least, then, I already had something to distract me.
Yes, I admit, I “set things aside” that time. I had to. I felt that I had to. Besides feeling that I wasn’t up to facing it yet, I wanted to just enjoy a moment with my friends. So the night of that same day, we went to cubao x as planned which eventually led to games at two of our friends’ apartment. It was, all in all, a very fun-filled night.
Lumipas ang Linggo, Lunes, Martes, Miyerkules… Nag text siya.
Sometimes things happen in our lives that tear us apart inside, but if we don’t learnt to look past them and see the sun shining above the clouds, we will forever be standing in the rain. So learn how to see bad things as an opportunity to grow as a person. Learn how to move when you’re hurting so bad because at the end of the day it’s not about how much you’ve been hurt but how much the pain has mold you into a person of worth.
Mukhang forwarded lang. But it was “germane to our predicament”. Parang ready na siyang mag move on. So I thought, I should have already moved on, too.
I checked the date. It was the 28th of October. Due na sa katapusan yung utang naming ng housemate ko sa friend niya. So I sent him a message, arranging a meeting after my Thursday shift. Syempre responsibilidad ko yun, di ko naman pwedeng takasan, but part of me was also just excited to see him again.
Throughout Wednesday and Thursday, we continued to exchange messages. I noticed in our exchanges was the ubiquitous “I miss you” coming from him, which met my usual nonchalant responses.
He texted, “Ingat lagi. Pangit ng panahon ngayon. Miss you.”
To which I replied, “I’ve survived worse weather…”
I knew that somehow the nonchalance irked him a bit, and somehow I enjoyed knowing that. Maybe I’m just cruel that way, but I really missed that I could tease him like that. I felt, again, that juvenile kind of kilig, but this time it was tainted by the thought that we were no longer together.
Still, I was excited to see him again.
...to be continued...
Like I said, sooner or later I'm gonna come up with a crazy design idea for the blog. So here, now, is the plan for version 1.2:
I haven't quite worked out how the side bar elements will look like just yet, but that's the whole idea of the design.
The idea came from the shirt I wore to work today:
I thought it was cute to have a single ornate element in a minimalist layout.
Oh, and the text in the screen shot was from the Lorem Chenes Generator. It's like lorem ipsum but in gay speak. Very useful!
Here I go again, looking for the perfect design and layout for this blog. This is version 1.1.
Since I’m too lazy right now to code designs and too uninspired to actually come up with one, I’m going for this uber minimalist header for the meantime. I expect changes in the future though. Knowing me, I’d probably come up with other ideas sooner or later.
Napunta din lang tayo sa pagiging bitter and all. Heto ang isang tulang tumubo mula sa buto ng ampalaya:
This land had been parchedand had so long awaited
for the rain to pour.
Its cracked surfaces
longed for a taste of raindrop.
So long ago dried.
It looked up above
to the high heavens and prayed
for rain to pour down.
And when the rain came
to quench this dry land's thirst,
it came quick then left.
Once parched, now it's mud
but will eventually dry
sooner or later.
Dahil sa buong araw akong nahimbing, alas tres na ng madaling araw ay hindi pa rin ako makatulog at mulat na mulat pa ang aking mga mulat nang mata at siguro dahil na rin hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko sa paglagok ng kape (oo, adik ako sa kape! Walang basagan ng trip!). Dahil na rin alas tres na ng madaling araw, wala na rin akong masyadong ibang choice na magawa kundi ang humarap sa aking computer.
Nakakasawa na rin ang sumagap ng chismis sa Facebook. Wala na rin masyadong uma-update sa Google+, either tulog na or gumigimik ang mga tao sa kabila kong kaharian at wala naming makausap nang matino sa planeta ng lover ni Juliet, kaya sound trip na lang muna.
Napagtripan ko ngayong pakinggan si mareng Celine Dion, at habang ngumangawa siya ng I want you to need meeeee! eh napapasenti nanaman ako sa marupok kong kalagayan ngayon. Bakit nga ba ang mga heart-broken nakakarelate sa halos lahat na lang ng kanta? Lalong lalo na yung mga kantang parang uminom ng sangkatutak na Charantia ang song writer nung sinulit nila yun. Eto ang mga kantang sabi nga ng butihin kong kaibigang si T’yang Nena ay “mga lason sa katawan.”
Ewan ko rin. Basta ang alam ko, sumesenti ako ngayon, kasi gusto ko e. Wala na lang angalan. Share ko na lang ang aking 10 Bitterest Songs of the Moment. In no particular order…
Unahin natin ang napakalakas makapagpa-senti na 5 years ngSugar Hiccups. Wala siyang lyrics bukod sa “but he will never be baaacccckkk!!!” Pero kung nakakain ka ng ampalaya tapos napakinggan mo ang kantang ‘to, parang dumodoble ang pait sa dila mo.
Sumusunod ang You Oughta Know ni ateng Alanis Morissette. Eh halos lahat naman ng kanta ni ateng Alanis ay bitter kaya hindi ko na kailangan i-explain pa ‘to.
Ang Karma naman ni Alicia Keys, punong-puno ng hinanakit at paninisi at pagbabanta ng “what comes around goes around, what comes up must come down.”
Mula naman kay Beyonce, ay ang nagmamaganda-ngunit-bitter-pa-rin na Irreplaceable. Oo, nagmamaganda siya dito at pinapakitang kayang kaya kitang palitan, but why bother? Kasi bitter!
Meron din itong si Blondie. Ang kantang kanyang pinasikat noong dekada 80, ang One Way or Another. Akala mo lang happy at upbeat at harmless ang kanta pero isipin natin. She stalks him, follows him wherever, tina-tap ang phone calls, at higit sa lahat, pinaplano niyang lagyan ng rat food ang pagkain ng kanyang biktima. I rest my case.
At bilang nasa dekada 80 na rin lang tayo, isama na natin ang Died In Your Arms ng Cutting Crew. Basta nakaka-bitter siya, lalo na yung linyang “but now it’s over, the moment has gone/I followed my hands to my head, I know I was wrong.”
Isa pa ‘tong Linger ng Cranberries na tungkol sa isang taong minahal mo ng sobra sobra, kaya mong patawarin kahit pangangaliwa at kahit ilang beses mong ulit-ulitin sa sarili mong he’s not worth it, e mahal mo pa rin siya. Yes, bitterness lingers.
Mula naman kay ateng Karen Carpenters… Hurting Each Other. Unang unang linya pa lang: No one in the world ever had a love as sweet as my love. Bitter na bitter na intro pa lang.
Siyempre, hindi pwedeng mawala sa listahan ang Someone LikeYou ni Adele. Kelangan pa bang ipaliwanag ‘to. Parang si Ateng Alanis din ‘to e. Halos lahat na lang ng kinakanta may trace ng ampalaya.
Last but oh so definitely not the least… The Winner Takes ItAll. Originally by Abba, pero sobrang damang dama mo ang bitterness nito pag pinanood mo ang Mamma Mia at nakita mo si Meryl Streep habang kinakanta niya ‘to. Talong talo na at give up na lang, wala ka na lang ibang magawa kundi humagulgol at magmakaawang itigil na ang kalokohan at sabihing “I concede.”
So yun na. Aminin na lang natin sa mga sarili natin na may pait.
Matapos ang ilang buwang pagpapatumpik-tumpik, ilang linggong pag-iisip-isip, ilang araw ng pagbabasa-basa at pangongolekta ng inspirasyon, ilang oras ng pagpapahinga, pagtingin-tingin sa ilang daang profiles sa planeta ni Romeo, pakikipagkulitan sa mga members ng isang forum ng wonderful people, mangilan-ngilang update ng status sa Facebook at Google+, sa wakas ay napagdesisyunan ko na ring isakatuparan ang blog na ito.
Hindi madaling magisip ng kung ano ang isusulat at pwedeng ma-share sa isang blog. Lalong hindi rin madali ang pagsusulat. Eh hindi naman kasi ako writer.
May mga pagkakataon lang na gusto ko lang ngumawa. Gusto ko lang mag release ng stress. Kaya ito na nga ang produkto. Isang munting blog. Isang munting paraiso kung saan pwede kong sabihin ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Isang maliit na espasyo kung saan ang reyaledad at ang aking imahinasyon ay magsasabong.
Ako si JunA. Diosa. DIVA.
At ito ang aking mundo.
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