Babs

In the middle of that dark overpass, he took my hand and held it as we walked beside each other. My heart skipped a beat. What was he doing? He was the one who ended our relationship. He was the one who gave up on us. What was this gesture for, then?

Then, as if holding my hand wasn’t enough, he stole a kiss. I was reminded of how good it felt to have someone’s soft lips against yours. I was reminded of how much warmth that little contact could bring.

I stared at him blankly. He just smiled a sheepish, mischievous smile.

***

Two Saturdays ago, he broke it up with me. Sabi niya masyado daw akong perpekto at mahirap daw akong sabayan. Up to now I still don’t know what he meant. I only know that, that time, I felt fear. It was the kind of fear you feel when you’re all alone in the dark, the kind that slowly crept up to a climax the longer you felt the solitude.

The feeling itself was fearful. I was afraid to lose him.

Pero sa bandang huli, ang nasabi ko na lang ay, “if that’s what you want then… ok.”

Sa isip ko inuulit-ulit ko ang mga sinabi niya. Ginalugad ko ang alaala at pilit tinatandaan ang bawat detalye ng aming pagsasama at hinahanap ang sagot sa tanong na “saan ako nagkamali?” until I finally gave up trying to figure it out.

I texted some friends. I needed company. I needed to either distract myself to get myself to quit thinking about what just happened or someone I could vent out to. Salamat na lang sa aking butihing kaibigan at dakilang babaylan at inampon niya ako nung araw na yun (which is a story which deserves another blog post).

Eventually, I got my bearings back, and was able to revert to my normal activities for the week. It wasn’t that difficult, but as my good friend likes to say, “Setting things aside does not make them go away.”

I knew the bitterness was still there.

The next Saturday after the breakup, I got home after work at around 2 in the morning, as was the usual, logged on to the wonderful world of PG4M, Google+, Facebook and all the other sites I visit to entertain myself, and found myself being interactive again online. Nakapag set ako ng isang munting coffee meet up with my friend since I was craving for a caramel macchiato and my old comfort food, a blueberry cheesecake. Since my friend was still at work, we decided to meet up at 7AM for the coffee. Meanwhile I busied myself with things online.

Then as a sudden thought, I checked my phone. I found one missed call. It was from him.

Isang missed call lang. Seeing that it was from him, though, had the power to remind me of how much bitterness I still felt. I was just thankful that my friend had already agreed to meet me up for coffee. At least, then, I already had something to distract me.

Yes, I admit, I “set things aside” that time. I had to. I felt that I had to. Besides feeling that I wasn’t up to facing it yet, I wanted to just enjoy a moment with my friends. So the night of that same day, we went to cubao x as planned which eventually led to games at two of our friends’ apartment. It was, all in all, a very fun-filled night.

Lumipas ang Linggo, Lunes, Martes, Miyerkules… Nag text siya.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that tear us apart inside, but if we don’t learnt to look past them and see the sun shining above the clouds, we will forever be standing in the rain. So learn how to see bad things as an opportunity to grow as a person. Learn how to move when you’re hurting so bad because at the end of the day it’s not about how much you’ve been hurt but how much the pain has mold you into a person of worth.

Mukhang forwarded lang. But it was “germane to our predicament”. Parang ready na siyang mag move on. So I thought, I should have already moved on, too.

I checked the date. It was the 28th of October. Due na sa katapusan yung utang naming ng housemate ko sa friend niya. So I sent him a message, arranging a meeting after my Thursday shift. Syempre responsibilidad ko yun, di ko naman pwedeng takasan, but part of me was also just excited to see him again.

Throughout Wednesday and Thursday, we continued to exchange messages. I noticed in our exchanges was the ubiquitous “I miss you” coming from him, which met my usual nonchalant responses.

He texted, “Ingat lagi. Pangit ng panahon ngayon. Miss you.”

To which I replied, “I’ve survived worse weather…”

I knew that somehow the nonchalance irked him a bit, and somehow I enjoyed knowing that. Maybe I’m just cruel that way, but I really missed that I could tease him like that. I felt, again, that juvenile kind of kilig, but this time it was tainted by the thought that we were no longer together.

Still, I was excited to see him again.

...to be continued...